I loved both of Deborah Huso’s posts on rules for dating: “Nine Rules of Dating for Clueless Men” and “Information Control and Perception Management: 9 More Rules of Dating for Really Clueless Men.” I’ve been married almost 24 years, so her posts make me chuckle and cringe at the same time. Sometimes I’m very happy NOT to be “dating.” And to tell you the truth, I was never much of a dater.
But Deborah’s posts take me back to some of the jerks I did date…or almost dated. One guy hounded our mutual friends for my number, and when I finally said I’d go to a party with him, along with some of our other friends, we all went and then he ignored me most of the night, talking with another woman who was at the party. Then he didn’t understand why I wanted to go home. NOW.
Another jerk whose mom was a friend of my mom wanted to take me out. I thought the date went fine—but I was on the fence as to whether or not I’d go out again with him, and he was being persistent. But then his mom told my mom how intrigued he was with me because I didn’t sleep with him on the first date. That was a first for him. Ewww. And really? That’s why he was intrigued with me?
Ah yes, men can be clueless.
But it’s not just single guys—married guys, even after they’ve passed the dating bar—can be pretty clueless as well, especially about dating. (If you’re a married guy reading this and thinking “Dating? We married. We don’t go out on dates anymore,” there’s your first clue that you are, indeed, clueless.) Yes, even if you are married, you should attempt to date.
Here are some tips (Very important disclaimer: My own husband is not guilty of any of these clueless behaviors in husbands. Just in case you are reading, honey.):
- Do take your wife out on a date from time to time. Even if you enjoy the company of your children on outings, it’s so important that you spend time together alone and outside of the house. This is really a no-brainer. But it’s so easy to forget during the craziness of life. Don’t bitch and moan about the money you’d rather not spend. That’s not a good way to start the night.
- Remember your manners. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you get away with not opening doors. It also doesn’t give you carte blanche to pick your nose, burp, and fart in public.
- Make an effort in the clothing department. Your clothes should be clean and wrinkle- free. Don’t blame your wife if they are not. (After all you are a big boy and should know how to tend to these things yourself.) Also, NEVER wear sweatpants outside of the house unless you’re going to the gym or hospital. And please make certain your stomach doesn’t show between your shirt and your pants. I personally have seen married men in public with stomach skin hanging out and over their pants. I don’t like it, and chances are your wife doesn’t either, so cover the gut. (And, as Deborah said, skip jean shorts, pleated pants, and tighty-whiteys, too.)
- Talk with her about something other than the kids, your job, or yourself. Be interested in what’s she’s doing with herself. Married folks sometimes forget what fascinating people they’ve married.
- Let her know what you like in bed. So Deborah mentions that one shouldn’t discuss one’s BDSM proclivities on date one. Agreed. But if you’ve been married awhile and haven’t let your wife know that you’d like a little nipple-twisting, now is the time. But then again, if you have twisted her nipples (or anything else) and she’s told you to back-off, she probably means it. No reason to ruin a night out—so just don’t “go there.”
- Please DO make a move for sex on your date. Speaking for many married women, everywhere, there simply aren’t enough “moves” in our lives. There are plenty of other places you can have sex if you can’t do it at home because of the kids—how about the car or van? How about getting a hotel room for a few hours? Hmmm?
Married guys are pretty lucky. After all, they know their dates will be going home with them for the night. Don’t kill the advantage you already have by overlooking these simple steps for getting her to do more than sleep in bed with you….