10 Reasons Why I Wish I Was a Man…or Could at Least Think Like One

1)      He doesn’t have a clue how to multitask. And if you think this is a liability, think again.  Just exactly how much do you enjoy propping the phone between your cheek and shoulder while breast pumping and typing an article at the same time?  Let’s not even talk about the times I breast pumped while driving.  Thank heaven those days are over….  Handling one thing at a time has its benefits—like producing writing that isn’t full of typos and speaking to a client with some degree of intelligence (and none of that weird sucking sound in the background).

2)      He can disconnect from reality effortlessly. Yeah, so you’re totally pissed that he’s absorbed in some Netflix sci-fi thriller or cruising Facebook while you’re still trying to shop for baby shower presents online or writing copy for a Fortune 500 company web site.  It’s not that he doesn’t have equally pressing things to do; he’s just way better than you are at saying “fuck this shit; I need to relax.”

3)      He doesn’t need a social network, just a beer or a shot of bourbon. While you’re calling your girlfriends to commiserate over your latest crisis, he has shut down his brain, poured himself some hard liquor, and decided to forget about it.

4)      He knows how to compartmentalize to the degree he can completely avoid pain, anger, distress, and worry.  Men’s brains are like a closet full of closed shoe boxes, and they only open one at a time; whereas, women’s brains look like a Dagwood closet full of mismatched Manalo Blahniks.  If one box is out of control, all the boxes are out of control.  He’s much better at keeping a lid on things.  Is his girlfriend pissed at him and on the verge of dumping him? No big deal. Shut the lid on her box, and open up the box that involves a game of poker with the guys. Problem solved.

5)      He can turn off his heart. Because he’s been trained to since birth.  Real men don’t cry. Real men don’t say “I love you.” Real men don’t feel.  Whereas women are socialized to risk vulnerability and pain for the sake of connecting with others, he’s been socialized to keep his shit together no matter what…and that means not allowing himself to get close enough to anyone that he or she can hurt him too much.

6)      He has the strength to get the lug nuts off a tire. Yeah, I can stand on a wrench, and they still won’t budge.  Nothing makes me feel more vulnerable and stupid than standing by the side of the road with a flat tire I can’t fix.

7)      People still think he’s sexy when he’s 60. Why are gray hair and laugh lines hot on a guy yet signs of impending death on a woman? I don’t know, but it sure makes me slather on the expensive skin cream while he parades around like Denzel Washington or George Clooney.

8)      He can date people a decade or more younger without raising an eyebrow. If I hit the town with someone two years my junior, I’m a cougar, even if the skin cream has worked and bartenders are asking for my i.d. Psychologically, I feel like an idiot.

9)      He can make babies in his 90s, which means he experiences a sense of virility that allows him to do no. 8 without feeling like a fool, regardless of what his adult children say.

10)   His brain has zero communication with his genitals. So if work completely sucks, the car just broke down, and he found out his best friend is sleeping with his wife, he can still get turned on by just about anyone with hips and cleavage. Meanwhile your libido is in depressing sync with the experiences of your life….